To All The Boys I’ve Loved

To have loved one too many times that my heart would open up again after several not so valid heartbreaks must be tough to describe. But here I am trying my best. 

Love hasn’t been exactly fair and kind with my heart. Yet the few experiences which are mostly talking stages where my friends would rather call them situationships and for the sake of Jada, let’s call them entanglements.

I’ve met quite a number of men, one third of which I have engaged in conversations.

About a handful I have loved and entangled with.

For a very long time, I was never interested in getting to know anyone. Did I forget to say forbidden? 

Those few months I opened up to the purest of intentions or half baked goodness of men, I’d like to think they all make up the stories of our tomorrow.

A forbidden act to fall in love in my teens yet, I found Kay who was patient, kind and understanding of my weird, boring and snobbish persona who was surprisingly interested in me.

We started on a rough patch. I detested this guy who I would banter with for days and months on Facebook until he decided it was time to be the bigger person and ask for peace. Facebook history and throwbacks never miss the chance to display our favorite days from time to time. I loved him for his stubborn interest in taking me home whenever we were out. That he’d wait for my trotro to be full before he left. I enjoyed that show of affection. I didn’t quite like men until I met this one. I suddenly grew out of that hatred for men. Nine years later, we’re the best of friends with the purest intentions for one another!

Sars was a Krachiman, meticulous and tough. A man, a decade older who hated that I’d put it that way. He was fond of showing up at my house and work unannounced. Well one time I was absent from work and he learnt his lessons- but he sure didn’t take it!

On his way to my house the very first time, “No and questionnaires” didn’t faze him. He was right where I directed him but denied him further directions to the exact house. In the moments of asking and denying, he took the next turn on the right and there he was nearly home. I had no choice! I took him home. But first, diverted and laughed at him for following me without question whether I was being mischievous or nice! He met my mum and brother on mission! 

He would call me every morning at 9am/ 10 am then 12pm and then 6pm and then 10pm until one night I feigned sleepy on the phone. How cute it was that he mentioned the following morning about leaving him. Well of course I wasn’t going to admit it was on purpose. It was the greatest love story untold!

I never stopped meeting them; Frank and I had the chemistry on sight. I’ve had too many people worry about my eating habits, he was one of them. 

While I was at ‘’Bush canteen” on the university of Ghana campus getting my hair done one day. Ready for the dryer and the lights went out. I called him to walk me back to school because walking all the way in the roller setting in a bid to air dry my permed hair couldn’t have been an alone trip.

He came, we laughed and just about a few meters from the salon, the hairdresser called saying the lights came back. He waited until my hair was done and ready.  This one didn’t stop gassing me up until morning came. My readymade self was treated to dinner at my favorite spot for simply existing beautifully!. We would take long walks usually on the journey to finding food for Julia who seemed too picky to eat anything from “Night market”. He was gentle with me! 

The spicy kelewele my stomach had reacted to one night; he’d worried sick until I was okay, the spontaneous strolls, bubbly hugs and the bread and egg treats; I am happy I gave this a chance. 

It was an obsession! Let’s call him the AI guy. 

He made reminders to text me 17 times and never missed a chance. I was the girl he’d thought too cool to speak to him. He loved that I had a blog and would make plans about traveling the world with him but I was scared. It was overwhelming! What did he do? He paid two years’ custom domain for my blog and that to me, was the sweetest and most significant thing anyone ever did for me.

Now for a man whose reflex action was to walk upstairs just when I joined the zoom meeting while the camera was on and being introduced as the new girl who accepted an offer with one “better- not-mention” space I’ve encountered in my life. For simply loving dreads/natural hair and recognizing each other as two goofy people, we instantly  became the best of friends, my confidant – a father; I would sometimes clear the air, a believer, a nurturer. One who didn’t think himself too old to run around the office to catch me one time as I attempted letting go from a hug/ whatever. HR was not at her desk and it was a hilarious moment seeing that he’d caught up with me and the sentence “ oh so you’re going to report me to HR” out of his mouth, we both burst out and laughed like nothing mattered! 

My kokonsa partner, who if he’d given me up would have resulted in my suspension long before I had planned to quit. 

One night after work, there he was sleeping in his office waiting for me so we would get Kenkey for him. We walked the street of Accra talking non stop about everything. He’d listen and engage my every sentence and never for once asked me to catch a breath! I loved that about him!

I didn’t want Kelewele because that day at work I couldn’t finish my beans. But I wanted Pizza, then I didn’t want it any longer. Then I wanted it. So he dragged me there! Promised 5 minutes, but it was ready after 20 minutes. While waiting, I was so focused on my parrot duties that I didn’t realize that this young, not so old man was showing me a picture of a woman on Instagram who happens to be wearing the same top as me that day. What did I think? That she was one of his ( you know) I am too shameless to have been embarrassed. I enjoyed every bit of that night. PS: This wasn’t a talking stage or anything like that but it felt like home!

Then there was this guy who I had little interest in finally winning my heart. He was a giver, gave me his time and attention in real time. Worried sick about my health and eating habits. Changed my whole perspective about fun and loosening up. I’m a fool because of him and I like that I saw myself in another dimension with him. It was peaceful and calm.

My proudest and fondest moments would be one night, while I got back from town tired and down with migraine. I couldn’t talk until I was up at 3am. Just when I respond to his messages, he calls me! And we spoke until morning!

I looked peng in these pictures because he helped me find what to wear. I got served double the Lebene beans because delivery was twice the price of one. If I was diabetic, too much cake would have shot up my blood levels exponentially. He was particular and a gentleman! I called him Mr. Capa!

If I’d open the books to describe every character I have encountered, this post would take a week to complete. What I’ve learnt is the difference between feeling based relationships and effort centered relationships, where what sets them apart is the will to try, to overlook the other based on what we desire over what should/ must be as agreed by both parties. 

I’ve come of age, to understand Love is an everyday activity, that in no place, space or form would I deny myself the will to give it all my heart and best whether for a short while or long while progressive partnership. 

Our attitude should be, “I know what God promised me is still alive. I’m not moved by what I feel. I’m not moved by what’s not working out, by how long it’s been or by what hasn’t improved.

I want love,

I want it all

But I’d wait until the right man wants me as much as I want him.

I have pure love back to all the experiences and happy days my life has enjoyed.

There’s no ounce of regret or hatred for what love felt to me all these years.

My heart would break a thousand times, I’d give up maybe ten times during the healing phases but I’d be back a million hearts to show up for what’s on the other side.

To love and to trying again 

I’d find love

I’d never give up

I’m keeping faith alive!